The Day I Met Dan Auerbach

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I don't know how to act around famous people, which was proven yet again when I ran into Dan Auerbach this morning.  Allow me to set the scene.  Rewind 4 hours.  I'm coaching a Potato To Tomato training run at Shelby Bottoms.  In the rain.  Heidi & I do our first training ride (5 miles).  In the rain.  Then we go to Barista Parlor, soaked from head to toe.

A few weeks ago, Dan Auerbach was at the same place I was for lunch, but I didn't notice him.  So I've spent the past 2-ish weeks rehearsing what I would have said had I seen him.  I honestly didn't think I'd actually ever run into him, but this morning I totes did & when opportunity knocks, you open the fucking door.

So I'm sitting at Barista with Heidi & Andy & we've been there awhile.  We're actually about to leave, but it's a monsoon outside so we're waiting on it to let up, now that we're somewhat dry.  In walks Dan Auerbach.  I don't even know that I saw him so much as some internal signal alerting me to his presence commandeered my muscular system & turned my head in his direction.  At which point, I whisper-shout, "OHMYGODITSDANAUERBACH!"

Having spent the last few weeks rehearsing this very scenario, I spring into action.  I grab my purse, open my wallet & take out one of John's business cards.  I take my empty coffee mug, pretend to put sugar & cream in it & then casually walk past him, back to my seat.  As I pass him, I stop & say, "Hey, I'm Kim & I'm going to do something totally inappropriate & give you my husband's business card.  He's a mastering engineer."

Dan:  Oh, cool, thanks.  (Looks at card)  Oh!  I actually have this guy's card.  He's been in my studio.

Kim:  Yeah, I think he has.  Cool!  Well, who do you guys use for mastering?

Dan:  We use a good friend of ours back in Columbus, Ohio - Brian Lucey at Magic Garden.

Kim:  Of course you do.  10-4.  Well, if you ever need someone local, my husband is awesome.  Thanks!  Love your music!  HUGE fan!

Dan:  Thanks.

Then we leave & I get in the car, see myself & realize how batshit crazy I look.  Also, I had had so much coffee that I was virtually vibrating.  A slow chill makes its way through my body as I realize that Mr. Auerbach & I probably have completely different versions of what just went down.  The scenario described above is how I remember it, but this is probably what actually happened:

Kim:  OMGYOU'REDANAUERBACHHELLOHIHEY!!!

Dan:  Hi....  (DANGER!  DANGER!  Are those snake eyes on her fingers?  What's her sweatshirt say, East Nasty?)

Kim:  ALLCAPSJIBBERISHINHIGHPITCHEDSQUEAL

Dan:  Thank you!  But I already have that card.  (Please don't hurt me.  Did she just fill an empty coffee cup with cream & sugar water?  Should I give her money?  Is she selling one of those papers?)

Kim:  MOREHIGHPITCHEDJIBBERISH

Dan:  Great, thanks!  (Please go away; please go away.)

Kim:  (Crazy awkward, unnatural smile!  ALL TEETH!)

And...  scene.

Dan, if you're reading this, & why wouldn't you be, I'm sorry for scaring you.  I was just excited, over-caffeinated & had been outside in the rain for 3 hours.  I'm usually fairly normal.  And I promise to leave you alone if you do ever hire my husband to master your album, which you should, by the way.

Kisses!