I ran into an old friend over the weekend. She's one of the handful of friends I've divorced over the years. I tend to attract people with emotional issues. I've never fully figured out why. I think it's partly because I have a strong personality & for whatever reason, weaker personalities are drawn to that. I don't know.
Over the years, I've dropped certain friends who took more than they gave. Friends who used me more as a therapist than a friend. Now these are extreme cases I'm talking about here. Obviously, friends talk to each other about their problems & everyone feels like a bad friend sometimes, but this is different. I'm talking about people who do this ALL THE TIME. People who only call when they have a problem, which tends to be every day, & who seem completely oblivious to whatever may be going on in your life.
Everyone has friends like this. But not everyone walks away. I do. It may take me a year or two, but once I reach that point, I'm done. I'm a good friend. I'm a good listener; I'm generous with my time; I'm loyal; & I'm occasionally fun to be around. I think knowing this about myself makes it easier for me to walk away when I feel I'm being taken advantage of.
I don't talk about this much because I fear it reinforces all the bad things I think about myself -judgmental, harsh, perfectionist, impatient, etc. To the untrained eye, it looks like I'm dropping friends when they need me most -when their boyfriend cheats on them, or gives them an STD. When, in fact, I'm simply fed up because said friend & I have been playing this game for some time now & I'm just done. I'm done giving sought after advice that falls on deaf ears. I'm done spending 90% of our conversations talking about your problems. I'm done with your "emergency" calls. I'm done not being able to remember the last time we talked about me.
So I ran into this ex-friend over the weekend, who I haven't seen since "the divorce." And I mean I dropped her like a hot potato. She didn't have a chance. I had been so fed up for so long, that by the time it ended, it ended badly. I honestly feel a little guilt over it because I was exceedingly harsh. Anyway, when I saw her this weekend, I remembered how much I used to like her & how much fun I had with her. All day I contemplated getting back in touch with her & trying to give it another go. I've 99% talked myself out of it. But I wonder..... Was she just going through a bad phase that she's out of now? Does she realize she was sucking the life out of me? Would I get my old friend back or would I be pulling my hair out in a month?
Please, if any of you have gone through this, let me know because I beat myself up about it & it would be nice to know that I'm not a total bitch. Or if you think I am a total bitch, let me know. I'll immediately divorce you, of course, but I'd still like to know.
6 comments:
I can't give you any advice based on experience, but from reading your post I get a bad "gut" feeling about reconnecting with someone who only takes. Yes, people go through bad times, but even in their darkest hour, a good friend will take time to listen to you.
yes, yes, and yes. i am exactly this way. i have very dramatically and very subtly dumped friends, even "best friends" for this very reason (the life-sucking, the one-sided support, calling when they need something and not when they think you might, having trouble making time for you until they need someone to "vent" to, etc). sometimes i wonder if i should just stop making friends with girls because it seems to happen a lot, then i start to wonder if its ME and not them, but im pretty sure its them, haha. i feel like im a pretty good friend, too. i really try to make an effort when i care about someone, and i dont want to waste that on someone who wont do the same.
in regards to getting back together with the old friend- ive kinda tried that before, like, had a conversation with a former friend where she was pretty much asking to "get back together" and i would say "yeah, lets do something" and then it never happens- she never makes an effort(which is exactly why i dumped her in the first place). so.... good luck! ;)
Has this person ever called you to find out how you are?
No?
Then, do you really have time to cultivate this "relationship" while you are working on maintaining the current, meaningful, successful relationships you already have?
Until you ran into her, had you thought about reaching out to her before?
Do you feel like she is missing from your life?
I think it is strong to realize that certain people don't belong in the inner sanctum. It is not bitchy.
Maybe the universe made you run into her to help you solidify your decision instead of question it.
But, don't listen to me. I am 'new-friend-shy' because I am afraid of ending up in a similar situation.
I really know both sides of this well.
When I was in a "dark place" I wasn't an amazing friend, but I wasn't an awful one either. There was a two year span of time where I was solid, downright flake. I couldn't properly ask for forgiveness for my flakiness at the time because then I would've exposed myself and the reasons for my flakiness (insert said dark time here) and I just wasn't prepared to open my situation up to anyone at the time. My friends more than likely translated that flakiness into me not caring, which couldn't have been further from reality. Unfortunately, I just wasn't mature or strong enough to deal with it all, and internally, I was too sad and exhausted to make a larger effort. I now reference that period of my life to “the two years I felt 1000 years old”. Thankfully, some hung in there with me.
Now, at 29, I would say that I am a great friend, but it's all due to my hard lessons learned. I call, I visit, I email, I tell them I love them and tell them that often. For the first time in my life I'm close to informally throwing in the towel with someone. It really stinks and it makes me so sad, but there's only so much I can do. At some point, it just becomes too painful.
You might consider carefully inviting her into your life again. Divorce is really a bitch, an embarrassing shameful bitch, and more than likely she's learned from that split to cherish her authentic relationships more than she did when she was swimming in a pool of bad marriage hell. Maybe meet her for a drink or a dinner to catch up? That might allow a short time period for you to feel it out?
I'd also say prepare yourself for the chance that she might not welcome your offer. Sometimes the act of being de-friended, even if it was justified in your eyes, is hurtful enough to both parties to sour it for good.
Best of luck on this, Kim. You’ll make the right decision.
Now- do you have a good sugar cookie recipe? I've almost cooked my way through your blog. Thanks, by the way!
(sorry this was such a long answer. i’m in a hotel room in DC, on a date with my google reader with endless amounts of time to write an obnoxiously long comment. I owe you a drink if you made it to this point)
Yeppers, I've divorced a friend or two for similar reasons. And their failure to attempt to rekindle the relationship has reinforced my decisions. I hate running into them, but it is kind of entertaining to hear how much they miss me & how much they want to get together - only b/c I know they'll never follow through.
As for your ex, I would suggest keeping that bridge burned. I just don't think people change much & I fear you'll find yourself back in the same situation. A self-centered person will probably stay that way.
Wow, thanks everybody! I'll take this comment by comment.
Jessica: Thanks, I agree.
Alexis: I went through that phase, too -of thinking every new girl I met was trouble. But in the past few years I've met some awesome girls who have become truly good friends, so I think I must have been going through a phase where I was attracting people that needed to be "fixed." Luckily, I seem to have outgrown it.
EM: This person did try to reconnect, but I didn't follow through. She sent me a very nice email when I got engaged & I just deleted it. (I can be known to hold grudge.) No, until I ran into her, I had not thought about her -good point. She's definitely not missed. You're helping me to realize that I don't need to reconnect. She was fun, but she's not someone that I've thought about over the years, or missed. Thanks.
April: You raise valid points, although your situation was a lot more serious than hers. You were ending a marriage & she was just sleeping with some douchebag. I don't think I'll reconnect with her, but I do have other friends that I've divorced & do think about. At some point, I may try & reconnect with them. Thanks for the advice. And I do have an awesome sugar cookie recipe. It's at home. I'll try & remember to post it tonight.
Libby: I think you're right. I think this is one bridge that doesn't need to be rebuilt.
Thanks again, ladies. Clearly I won't be serving any of you divorce papers anytime soon.
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