My Year of Not Running

Hello, my name is Kim and I'm a reformed compulsive exerciser. It's been one year since my last run. You may know me by the infamous expression, Go HAM. And Go HAM I did. Until I didn't.

I slept in today until 7:00am, and woke up without the need to look outside to see if it was raining/snowing, check my phone for the current temperature, or spend ten minutes deciding how many layers to put on to be outside for 30-60-120 minutes. Is it a holiday? Am I on vacation? No, friends. It is a Friday in my post-running world.

I started running by accident in 2009. I signed up for a charity 5K and surprised myself by running most of it. I ran on my own for a few months to make sure my body could do it, that it wasn't a time-limited offer from my joints, and then I joined a couple of running groups and started running. In five years, I completed 7 half marathons, 10 triathlons, and 1 Half Ironman.

The mark of a true runner is how much money they've spent on physical therapy. I was in physical therapy off and on from 2010 to 2014. First for my left hip, then my left ankle, then my left knee, then my right knee, then my shoulder, then back to my knees. I also paid for x-rays, cortisone shots, prescription anti-inflammatories, sticks, foam rollers, an orthopedic sports doctor, a rheumatoid arthritis specialist, acupuncture, shoe inserts, ankle and knee braces, and kinetic tape. Let's just say if what I spent on being an injured runner were a car, it would not be a seven year old, manual transmission Toyota Camry with no hubcaps.

You might be wondering, is she made of glass? Did she not receive enough calcium as a child? No, my bones are fine, all of my injuries were due to overuse. In fact, this is tame compared to what most long distance runners go through. You see, I never made it past half marathon level. There is another echelon of injuries and physical therapy for those who run full and ultra marathons. If you're reading this and you're in high school, or early college, become a physical therapist. You will always have a job.

Around this time last year, I got up at 4:45am, looked outside to see if it was raining/snowing, checked my phone for the current temperature, spent ten minutes deciding how many layers to put on to do a 40 minute run, then got in my car and drove to one of my weekly group runs. My heart wasn't in it, so when my knee gave out a mile into the run, I called it, I was done with this sport.

In early fall, when the weather changed, I missed running for the first time. There's nothing like the first cool run of the year after a long, hot, southern summer. Luckily, I'm not the only one in my friend group who quit running, so I called on my fellow non-runners and we started hiking. That scratched the itch and the running bug went back into hibernation.

I did it. I went one whole year without running. God knows what I've saved on race registration fees. I'm hoping quitting running is like quitting smoking, that for every year you don't run, you gain ten years on your knees' lives.

I didn't realize how much pain I was in until the pain wasn't there anymore. One day it was just gone and I realized, 'Holy shit, I have been in pain for six years!'. I live in a sixties era, split level house, with full and half flights of stairs everywhere. Basically, I live in the house in Labyrinth. For six years, I've been hobbling up and down these stairs, usually going down them sideways. Not anymore! It is glorious.

I didn't quit running to replace it with something else. I quit because it was something I was wearing that didn't fit anymore, so I took it off. I finally had the space to think about what I wanted to do. Turns out, I wanted to twerk. So now I twerk, hike, walk, ride my bike, and ride a cardio machine at the gym when I feel like it. My body is different than it was when I was running, but I'm okay with that. None of the things I want in life are related to my physical fitness. It's time to give my body a break and focus on my voice, creativity and writing. It just fits.

P.S. If you're interested in my thoughts leading up this post, read Diet Industry Drop-Out.

P.P.S. An embarrassing look at where I was at a year ago Eff You, January Body.

Diet Industry Drop-Out

I'm stealing the phrase "diet industry drop-out" from my friend bitch Freya West. During a recent burlesque show, Freya sang a 1929 Sophie Tucker song called, "I Don't Want To Get Thin." If you're alive and on Facebook, you've seen this video, but you should watch it again, #shinetheory.

In the past few months, I've turned forty, realized I've probably lived my entire life with an undiagnosed eating disorder, and read Shrill: Notes From A Loud Woman by Lindy West. I don't know if it's the birthday, the election, or the growing body acceptance movement, but I feel like all the wires in my brain have come undone and are reconnecting in different ways. I'm like a lady Hulk who's superpowers are feminism and caftans.

Why am I telling you this? Because at least once a week, someone introduces me as their friend who works out 1,000 times a week and trains for "crazy" triathlons. Guess what? No, I don't. And no I haven't for like a year. This makes me uncomfortable because:  A) I am not great at accepting compliments; B) this description is not true; and C) this description is of a woman who was really sad.

I don't regret losing forty pounds or doing a Half Ironman; they were great tools for me during a difficult time. But... I'm not that person anymore. I quit swimming nine months ago, I quit running six months ago, and aside from random leisure rides, I quit competitively riding my bike over a year ago. I have a personal trainer, I twerk, I do yoga, and I have a $10/month Planet Fitness membership that I use maybe once a week. I don't track calories or weigh myself. Sometimes my fancy jeans fit, mostly they don't. Luckily, I own 3,000 caftans.

Assuredly, part of the problem is that my bio on every corner of the Internet reads, "runner and triathlete." I haven't changed it because I'm a perfectionist, and if I can't do it "right", then I freeze. Current working bios include:

Writer and blogger. Diet industry drop-out. Budding twerker. Master thrifter. Snapchat enthusiast.
Writer and blogger. Diet industry drop-out. Lover of twerk class, Snapchat, and rural Tennessee thrift store wares.
I believe....
I do what I want!
It's more fun to be happy.

ANYWAY. So yeah, I'm not a runner anymore. I may still be a triathlete since triathletes are known for taking one to two years off and then picking it back up again. In the meantime, I'm going to continue laughing at videos of myself twerking and daydreaming of starting a Nashville Thrifters Club. Stay tuned alert!

P.S. Do you struggle with body shame? So do I. My thoughts.

P.P.S. But do you know what helps? Dancing. And twerking.

Fabulous By Forty

Last week I turned forty. As I celebrated, friends kept saying the same thing, "You did it - Fabulous By Forty"! As a recovering perfectionist, and someone who has trouble accepting compliments, I can't even begin to tell you how uncomfortable that made me.

After my birthday, I had my last regular appointment with my therapist. After two+ years of weekly and bi-weekly appointments, I'm transitioning to "therapy lite" (my phrase) where I have check-in appointments every couple of months. In my post-birthday appointment, The World's Greatest Therapist helped me unpack my, let's call it, less than gracious, reaction to the Fabulous By Forty accolades.

She was not surprised to learn people said loving and supportive things, nor was she surprised that I was surprised. She told me for the past two years, I've been climbing a mountain, and the entire time I was climbing, I kept my head down. I didn't look up to see how much farther I had to go; I didn't sit down to rest, and I didn't let myself get distracted. When people tried to compliment me, or comment on my journey, I shooed them away - 'Leave me alone; I'm climbing'.

She asked me, "You climbed Everest, and now that you've reached the summit, you're surprised people noticed"? I am surprised. I had no idea anyone was watching me. I just had to climb that mountain.

In 2013, when my nutritionist gave me the goal of Fabulous By Forty, I had no idea what that would look like. I just wanted to lose weight. Because of course I thought all of my problems would be solved by obtaining the body I was "supposed" to have.

That year, I did lose weight. I also lost my mind. I had a terrible job and an abusive boss, who was eventually fired after months of mediation and victim blaming. So I was skinny-ish and my boss got fired. Everything should be good, right?

One of the directors I worked with was a therapist, and a great human being. About a month after my boss was fired, there was a shooting at one of our facilities and I got triggered. I was talking to him about it and he calmly started questioning me about smells and sounds, and if I had ever talked to anyone. I said no and then said I honestly wanted to talk to someone, not about 9/11, but about why I kept ending up in jobs with abusive bosses - that the only common denominator was me - maybe I was attracting these people. Saying this out loud opened up something that had never been opened and I spent the next few days in a dark headspace. A few days later, he came by my office to check on me and I asked if he could be my therapist. He couldn't, but he gave me the name of a therapist that he thought would be a good match for me. Spoiler alert:  she was. I called and she saw me the next day. I've been seeing her ever since.

In hindsight, I'm pretty sure I had what Brene Brown calls a "spiritual awakening", or what Lifetime movies call a nervous breakdown. Regardless of what happened, I'm glad it did. I'm lucky that I don't have a diagnosed mental illness. I went into therapy because I woke up one day and saw that I was the only connection between what was making me unhappy and causing me pain. And once I saw it was me, I couldn't un-see it. You can't self-help yourself out of that. You need someone to come in and offer you perspective and options for evolving past it - a sherpa, if you want to stay with the Everest analogy - someone to guide you up the mountain and help you hold your shit when it gets too heavy.

I'm forty (I just kicked my legs into the air). Am I fabulous? I don't know. That's a weird word and it doesn't suit me. I am something though, and I'm something I wasn't three years ago. I'll leave you with the mind map I created two days before my fortieth birthday.

Forty:

feminist
self-assured
confident
proud
no apologies
worked hard
boundaries
creativity
business
have opinions
less scared
meditate
morning ritual
vulnerable
tattoo
write more
love more
happier
friendship
exercise
I do what I want
gratitude practice

Thank you for watching me climb a mountain. I didn't know that's what I was doing. I just knew I had climb up out of whatever I was in.

XOXO

High-Five, April Body!

So... back in January, like most people the month after Christmas, I was a little fluffy and a little mad. In a post titled Eff You, January Body, I wrote:

As I finished out 2015, I was doing 7+ hours of swim-bike-running a week, plus 2 personal training sessions and 1 yoga class. I have more or less been working out like someone training for a 70.3 triathlon for 2 years with no break. To say I'm burned out is the understatement of the world. I've got to figure out how to keep my body in the general vicinity of it's current size by doing things I want to do, and may even have fun doing. Stuff like hiking, or twerking. Or paying $10 a month to ride a cardio machine at Planet Fitness for 45 minutes twice a week. To be cont'd.

I'm happy to report, I'm figuring it out! About a month after I wrote that post, I read Happier At Home by Gretchen Rubin and had an epiphany:  I do what I want! (said like a 4-year old, mid-tantrum). Gretchen writes about "being Gretchen". I really identified with that, but didn't like the phrase "be Kim", so I tweaked it to "I do what I want!" It also feels more positive to think about what I want, instead of focusing on what I don't want.

So what do I want? Glad you asked! I want to eat better, have fun exercising, and my clothes to fit.  I talked to my therapist, my trainer and I signed up for a meal plan from one of my favorite bloggers. I'm super into all of this and since so many people ask me about my trainer and my twerk class, I thought I'd share their info.

Personal Trainer

Rickey Taylor -- Xcelerated Training

I've been working out with Rickey twice a week since July, and there is a HUGE difference in my body. Huge! I've always been interested in women who lift weights and do strength training, but I've never known what to do, and whatever I did on my own, didn't change my body. Not now! You should see how strong I am and what my shoulders look like in a tank top. Personal training is a luxury, but at our age, most of us can afford a little luxury, especially in the name of strengthening our bones and living longer. ALSO, Rickey is doing my meal planning now and it's really working, so you get a lot of bang for your buck.

Twerk Class

Tisha Wilson -- b.fab.fitness

I'm new to this class, but I am obsessed with it. I've been going once or twice a week for a little over a month now. I take the b.fab.funk class at Coleman Park on either Monday or Thursdays at 7:00pm. I prefer the Monday night class, but my cycling team has a Monday night ride, so I'm going on Thursdays now. The class costs $3 and it is hands-down the hardest workout I do all week. It's also the most fun I've ever had in my life. If you want proof, here's a video of us dancing to "Formation" by Beyonce:  b.fab.fitness FORMATION by Beyonce.



Yoga

Rachel Mathenia -- 12South Yoga

I started practicing yoga in New York after 9/11 when my doctor prescribed it for anxiety. I've consistently practiced for 15 years. I made the switch to Iyengar in 2014 when my sweet friend Paige invited me to her Thursday night class. The class schedule changed about a year ago and now I practice with Rachel, who I love dearly and am convinced I share a soul with, or at least the same core personality traits. I love Iyengar and highly recommend it if you have an injury, persistent pain, or if you just want your body to work right.

Meal Plan

Laura Agar Wilson -- Wholeheartedly Healthy

I'm currently working with my trainer on a meal plan, but earlier this year I signed up for Laura's free Two Week Quickstart Guide and I loved it! I've been reading Laura's blog for probably 6 or 7 years now and I'm a big fan. Even if you're not in the market for a meal plan, add her blog to your Reader. Her perspective and her writing style is very unique, very funny, and very real. Seriously, I love her.

My exercise in a typical week looks like this:

2 personal training sessions
1 twerk class
1 yoga class
1 bike ride
1 HIIT (high intensity interval training)

That's it! I'm real happy with all this right now. It's not overwhelming and it's not a week full of stuff I "have to" do. I do what I want!

Body Shaming

This post is going to go in a couple different directions, but the overarching theme is body shame, particularly female, and particularly mine. Quick backstory, one of my favorite people is my friend Freya West, who happens to be the headmistress of Nashville's only burlesque finishing school, Delinquent Debutantes. You can read more about Freya and my experience with Delinquent Debutantes here. Freya is a magical unicorn sent here from another universe to teach us all how to love our bodies and ourselves. Spoiler alert:  she is very successful at this.

This week a member of Freya's tribe wrote an article for HuffPost Women titled, "Big Girls Can't Dance? Oh Yes We Can". The body shaming incident that sparked the article, as well as the response to both the shaming and the article from shero Stacie Huckeba, got me thinking.

I can't remember how early my own body shaming began, at least fifth or sixth grade, if not earlier. With the help of a great therapist and three Brene Brown books, I've realized my "disordered" perspective on my body is connected to shame. Like everyone who is alive and has parents, I received some bad messaging as a child. I believed I was selfish and mean-tempered. It's taken over two years of therapy and an astounding amount of out-of-pocket money to learn that I am neither selfish nor mean-tempered. But these two things are shame triggers for me, and when I get triggered, my body image issues flare up.

So what does this look like? Does someone call me selfish and I eat a carton of ice cream? I wish. I am currently disconnected from my family until I work through this and can re-enter as a healthy, wholehearted person. I'm not there yet, but I'm close. My mom turned 60 in January. I haven't seen or talked to my mom in a year and a half, which is a pain so acute that there are days I can't function. On the day of her birthday, I woke up, looked in the mirror and saw my old body - my body 40+ pounds ago. I stayed in that headspace until I could see my therapist, who had to reality-check me by having me weigh myself. It worked and I went back to seeing my actual body.

An important part of my therapy is learning how to create and maintain boundaries. In learning how to do this, I've struggled with what the people I've had to create boundaries around think of me. If I think someone perceives me as selfish or mean, I get neurotic about my body image. I'll spend a week telling everyone how much weight I've gained, restricting my calories, and restructuring all of my workouts.

You guys, that's shame. And no one is talking about it. Because I am a woman who lives not in a cave, I have friends who are struggling with their weight. A) I feel you. B) I want to ask you what messaging have you received that makes you connect your worthiness to your size? Is there a pattern? Does your body shame spike when you're worried someone thinks something about you that you don't want them to think? Mine does. Big time.

On a scale of one to ten, I'd say I'm a two on how much of a grasp I have on this, and I've had two years of therapy, not to mention the honorary LCSW I've awarded myself for reading three Brene Brown books. All of this to say, I'm no expert and this isn't easy stuff to navigate. But I need this conversation to happen. And maybe you do, too. I've learned that shame can't live out in the open; it needs dark, secret places to thrive. So let's get this shit out there. I don't know about you, but I've lived long enough believing things about myself that aren't true and measuring my worth by my pants size.

Optional Homework Assignment:

If you're in the Nashville area and can throw some money towards women who are empowering other women to reclaim their bodies and their self confidence, buy a $15 class at Freya's studio. You can find a class schedule here. It's easily accessible from downtown, and she has lunchtime classes for you Real Life Business Babes.

P.S. Do you know what helps with body shame? Dancing. And twerking.

P.P.S. Rise up, diet industry drop-outs!

Eff You, January Body

Man, January took a toll on my body. I spent Christmas like everyone else:  binge-watching Making A Murderer and binge-eating Christmas cookies. Then January rolls around and I (A) get super sick and have to go on steroids, and (B) give up my spot in cycling class due to an anticipated schedule change, a schedule change that didn't happen, but I lost my spot nonetheless.

Having to go on steroids the week after Christmas is #thestruggleisreal enough, but being too sick to work-out for the first half of January is unbearable for someone who gets an emotional release from exercise, as well as most of her socialization for the day. So right now I'm feeling a lot cagey and a little fat.

Am I actually heavier? Who knows. It doesn't serve me to weigh myself. All of my clothes are tight, so probably. Oh, and I broke a Moving Comfort sports bra in half (in half!!) this morning trying to put it on.

I'm torn between being a good role model, a good feminist and loving my body, and wanting my jeans to fit. More than that though, I apparently need to exercise and talk to people or I get crazy.

As I finished out 2015, I was doing 7+ hours of swim-bike-running a week, plus 2 personal training sessions and 1 yoga class. I have more or less been working out like someone training for a 70.3 triathlon for 2 years with no break. To say I'm burned out is the understatement of the world. I've got to figure out how to keep my body in the general vicinity of it's current size by doing things I want to do, and may even have fun doing. Stuff like hiking, or twerking. Or paying $10 a month to ride a cardio machine at Planet Fitness for 45 minutes twice a week.

To be cont'd.

MyFitnessFoe: Je Suis Fini Edition

I've written 76 (now 77) posts under the label "Weight". It's true, I counted. That's roughly 9 posts a year on my weight. I turn 40 in 2016. I'm lucky to have friends in their forties (and fifties) who are kicking ass at life, and none of them are talking about their weight. You know why? Because they're busy running businesses, raising families and BEING INTERESTING. If their jeans don't fit, they buy new jeans. They don't sit around for 2 weeks wondering why their jeans don't fit. This? This is who I want to be. I want to be the person people talk to because I'm funny and have interesting things to say. I don't want to be the person people talk to because I lost a lot of weight.

I went off of MyFitnessPal in August, breaking an 890 day streak. Like a lot of things I've thrown myself into 300% (oh, hey, Ironman), calorie tracking evolved from a healthy habit to a borderline eating disorder.

It's real tricky when the thing harming you is "healthy", or worse, celebrated and envied. Now granted, when I started this, I weighed 200 lbs, which was heavier than I wanted to be as a 5'6" woman with a petite to average frame. I worked hard and lost 40 lbs. But when everything was finished, when I completed Ironman Augusta and when I went months without regaining any weight, I didn't move on. It's like I was taking medicine for an illness I didn't have anymore. (That's my therapist's analogy. I'm not that smart.)

So I quit taking the medicine. And yeah, I totally didn't need it. I haven't weighed myself in 3 months. Do I wonder what I weigh? Daily. Do I trust that if I weighed myself I'd use that information for good instead of evil? Nope. I still work-out, honestly probably too much. And I still pay close attention to what I eat. I've been counting calories in one form or another for 20 years. As much as I hate it, I have the calorie content of every food memorized. But it's the hard data that breaks my brain. That number on the scale serves one purpose for me:  shame. And ain't nobody got time for that.

Around the time I quit weighing myself and tracking my calories, a magical thing happened. I started having ideas. Ideas about things I wanted to write about, people I wanted to talk to, new things I wanted to do, new things I could do. I felt like a whole new wing of my brain opened up.

Another thing that happened, albeit less magical, is a hypersensitivity to messaging. A lot of what I read online has an undercurrent of, 'hey girl, you could be skinnier' or 'hey girl, don't forget to be skinny'. I'll click on something about healthy snacks and 5 minutes later, I'm shaming myself for that handful of tortilla chips I ate, and thinking, 'man, if I just started eating radishes, my jeans probably wouldn't be tight anymore'. My shame is always on the side-lines, jumping up and down, begging to be put in the game. I have to be real thoughtful about what I let in, which is taxing when you just want to cruise Pinterest and watch Scandal.

I'm a lot of things. I'm a lot of conflicting things. But I don't want to be the girl who lost 40 lbs anymore. Lately, I've been interested in finding a hip hop dance class. Maybe I can be the girl who learns how to twerk in her forties. I don't know. I'm going to work it out. Rita, call me.

Mid-Week Musings

Maybe I'll expound upon some of this later. Maybe I won't. In the meantime, here's what is rambling around in my noggin today.

I've been off of Facebook for two months. It feels hypocritical to work in social media and not participate in social media. So I'm going back on. But! A lot of you motherfuckers are getting hidden.

I also logged back on to MyFitnessPal today. I went off a month ago, breaking my insane 890 day streak. I'm still struggling with where calorie tracking fits into my life. Maybe it doesn't. I mean, I'm 39 years old. At what point can I trust that I know what to eat and how much to exercise? We'll see.

Last week, I heard the song "Birdhouse In Your Soul" by They Might Be Giants and LOST MY MIND. Why has it never occurred to buy my favorite album from the early nineties? You can buy everything online! So I bought it and it is the air that I breathe. I highly recommend you go immediately to iTunes or Amazon and buy your favorite album from high school.

I've been catching up on So You Think You Can Dance on Hulu. This show is so good!! This year, there's a street team and a stage team, and they're competing against each other! You guys, there's a Hebrew breaker, a tapper, a girl with a bum leg from a car wreck, and a #shero from Detroit called 'Standing O'. OMG. So good.

The weather this week has me yearning for fall. I read through all the September issues over the weekend and can't wait to start my fall style board on Pinterest. Also, crockpots, chili, pumpkin everything, running again -- I can't wait!

Thank You

Thanks for all of the comments and messages on my last post. I was in a dark spot when I wrote that and immediately after posting it, but then your responses started flowing in and I felt so loved and supported. Thank you.

I had an emotional day yesterday. I awoke from a dream about 9/11 - about fire and falling. It was hard to shake off. Then I went to a work-out with my trainer where he weighed me and calculated my body fat percentage. Monday morning is a terrible weigh-day, and my weight on that gym scale was a number I haven't seen in over a year. That alone brought tears to my eyes, then he did my body fat percentage. I'm at 28% body fat, whatever that means. I'm sure it was explained to me, but I was trying so hard not to cry that I didn't hear anything.

I did my work-out, got in my car and cried the whole way home. I'm working on asking for help, so when I got home, I reached out to a couple of people. A friend, who used to work out with my trainer, said that gym scale is a fluke and that it always puts her (and everyone else) at least 4 pounds over their weight. She said she doesn't weigh herself anymore. She measures herself once a month and does her body fat percentage every two months.

A friend is helping me with my nutrition right now and she said that 28% body fat is fantastic. She was probably trying to make me feel better, but it worked. She also suggested that for this next month, while I'm processing all of this grief and trauma, I go off of MyFitnessPal and quit weighing myself, which ties into what another friend said, "Go re-read your blog post about this. There was a lot of wisdom in it..."

As of this morning, my bathroom scale now resides in the garage, and this is the first time in 890 days that I haven't logged onto MyFitnessPal.

This post is all over the place, and maybe these things aren't related, but maybe they are. On a good day, seeing a high number on the scale pisses me off, but on a day where I'm already emotionally compromised, forget it. Yesterday, I cried a bunch, ate a ridiculous lunch and took a nap on the couch, where I again dreamed about walls of fire. So I cried some more and then went to Marshall's and bought a black shirt.

It really does feel like there are two versions of me fighting over the same plot of emotional land. The 25 year old version of me is freaked the fuck out and is totally unstable. The 39 year old me is okay, and thus far, seems to be in charge today. But man, yesterday, I was 25 all day.

Body Positive: You Don't Control Me, Stomach!

Since my last post where I publicly lamented the size of my stomach, I've been hit over the head with messages from the universe that basically say, I'm doing it wrong. To recap, I've been on a two-year journey that has resulted in hiring a therapist, leaving a toxic work environment, completing a Half Ironman, starting a business, and losing 40 pounds. I'm 39, and for, oh, let's say 27 years, I've thought of my body as being too big, or not as small as other people's. The last 12 years, especially.

The first time I liked my body was last year when I was training for my Half Ironman, and was down 30-40 pounds. That pride in my body lasted well past the race and into this year. It stopped about two months ago when my body very naturally and sensibly reacted to a decrease in high-intensity exercise. And virtually overnight, I went right back to that old place of hating what I look like, despite choosing to work-out less, choosing not to train, and choosing not to do a 70-mile race that I did not want to do.

I read a great article on Pinterest this morning titled, 10 Reasons I Take Off My Shirt In Yoga Class. This article solidified what has been swirling around in my brain - I'm done. In the two weeks since I wrote that last blog post, I've decided to give my body love and praise instead of blame and accusations. So what I'm trying to do is, the million times a day I think a negative thought about my body, I counteract it with a body-positive thought.

Example:

This is a picture of me and my friend Meg at the Mach Tenn Triathlon one week ago. This picture has been chipping away at my soul for 8 days. I look terrible. The sun is in my eyes, my posture is bad and my stomach is puffed out. I've spent a week throwing some serious shade at this picture. But you you know what? That fucking stomach got me through a 0.6 mile open water swim, a 15 mile bike ride, and a 4 mile run, AND it got me through all of that 2 minutes faster than last year when I was in the best athletic shape of my life.

Are my fancy Madewell jeans tight? Yes. Am I kind of only wearing caftans now? YES. Could I take my daily calorie goal down a little to reflect my change in exercise? Sure. Does anyone think I'm fat? No. Do I think I'm fat? Nope. Does any of this matter?! Noooooo!!! Am I one million things and not one of those things is my number on the scale?! Yesssss!!!

Body, thanks for being awesome; thanks for being strong; thanks for the boobs; and thanks for a nourished stomach full of food made from a man I love.

Stomachs, Am I Right?

(This armadillo has nothing to do with this post, but when I did a Google image search for "He can tell I ain't missin no meals" this was one of the top results and it made me lol. Hashtag: Nicki Minaj forever.)

I'm annoyed with my stomach right now. Not that it's ever been flat, but it's gotten pretty fluffy as of late. Most days, I don't put on real pants. I mean, I can go a whole week in only yoga pants and bike shorts. So when I put on my jeans and they're tight around the waist, I can't remember if that's just how they fit, or if I'm bigger.

I don't weigh myself often, but I weighed myself before my race two weeks ago and I was at my normal weight. I just weighed myself today and I'm up 5 lbs. The weight I'm not super worried about because it's from eating out and drinking every day of my birthday week, and I'll get that off in the long bike ride and brick I have to do today. But my stomach. Ugh, my stomach.

I'm not working out as hard as I used to, which is on purpose, but I don't think that's it. I think I'm eating too much. I'm actually doing okay working from home and filling the house with healthy snacks, lunches, etc. Now, if I would just eat that food instead of going out every day... Oh, pizza, you evil temptress.

I'm going to give myself a break for getting off track over my birthday and Memorial Day, but I'd like to see if I can get some of the air out of this spare tire. I made a Healthy Meal Ideas board on Pinterest. I pinned some lower calorie lunch options that I'm going to try this week. We'll see.

To be continued!

Also, for anyone who thought I had this under control and was all zen about my weight now - NOPE, still human!

Yours in armour,
The Blonde Armadillo

MyFitnessFoe, Part 730 Days

Wow, I really let these posts go. Sorry about that. The last time I published an update on my weight loss was last summer, which you can read here. So.... To recap, two years ago I met with Mari-Etta Parrish and set about the business of becoming 'fabulous by forty'. I was thirty-seven and hovering around 200 lbs. What I didn't know at the time, was that I was in a toxic work environment, which was bringing up all kinds of issues that needed to be addressed.

I spent May 2013 - May 2014 following the plan Mari-Etta created for me, and it worked! I went from 198 lbs to 175 lbs. I've spent almost all of my adult life over 180 lbs, so I was real happy with 175 lbs. I thought if I worked hard, I could get to 170 lbs and that would be ah-mazing. But a lot happened around this time last year - I started seeing a therapist and I left my job. Oh! And I was training for a Half Ironman.

I lost another 10 lbs the second I was out of that job. Then I continued losing as I got closer to my race in September. I think I was at 161 lbs on race day, and then by November, was down to 159 lbs. Y'all, I haven't been under 160 lbs since I lived in NYC, and that was over a decade ago (see below).

This is from the summer of 2001. It was my first visit home after moving to NYC, and I was teeny.

I hit the two-year mark on MyFitnessPal recently, which is insane. Alas, I am not still at 159 lbs, but I am around 161-163 lbs, which is fucking remarkable considering I've spent the past three months not really working out a lot. I was pretty sure the second I quit training for Ironman 70.3 Chattanooga, I would balloon right back up to my old weight, but nope. Turns out, not true.

I did contract work for a lobbying firm this past Legislative session, which devoured my spare time. That ended last week, so now that I have my schedule back, I'm going to start working out more. I'm not "training" for anything. Whatever races I do, are going to be ones that I can do with minimal effort. I'm working on finding out what I want to be doing - more swimming, less running, more yoga, etc. - and incorporating that into my lifestyle.

2013, 2014, 2015

A friend asked me recently if it's offensive to tell someone they look great after losing weight. Personally, I'm not offended. I worked hard to lose this weight and I appreciate people acknowledging that. BUT. I didn't lose this weight because I counted calories and worked out. I lost this weight because I sought answers and I put in the work. John told me once that there are people who cheer for you while you're climbing the mountain, and there are people who cheer for you once you reach the top. I think it's fine to be in either of those two camps, but maybe just know which one you're in and be thoughtful about how your comments may be received.

Also? Not all weight loss is positive. People lose weight for all kinds of reasons - stress, sickness, sadness. The last thing you want to do is throw a, 'Hey girl, you look great!' at someone who's walking through something private and heavy.

I've opened myself up for comments on my appearance because of these blog posts, and I'm fine with that, but I'm unique. A woman who doesn't talk about her weight probably doesn't want outside commentary on it. I think, like most things, the key is compassion. If you notice someone is losing weight, and they're not publicly documenting it for the world wide web, maybe ask them how things are going as opposed to asking them what their number on the scale is.

None of this is for me. Everyone knows how much I weigh, but again, I am unique. For now, my focus is on getting back into the rhythm of regular exercise (not training) and figuring out what that is for me. Now that I'm working from home, I'm also trying to eat healthier. I have access to whatever I want to eat, whenever I want to eat it, which is good and bad. Will I learn to love salads and lentils? Time will tell...

I'll turn 39 in a few weeks, which gives me a year to figure out what I want 'fabulous by forty' to look like. Cosmically, it's a huge answer, but in terms of my weight, I'd like to get down to 150 lbs or 145 lbs. I probably need to talk to Mari-Etta and tweak my plan to lose 10-15 more lbs. I may go for it. Why not?

Until next time!

Half Ironman 70.3 Training: Week 11

This was a taper week in preparation for Music City Triathlon. I wasn't sure how I was going to taper, but I ended up following a combination of my taper weeks from Tri Fall Creek Falls & Mach Tenn.

Here's what my training looked like:

Swim:

60 minute NAC Masters swim
400m Nashville Dolphins Open Water Swim

Bike:

1:40 hour bike ride (20 miles)
Avg mph:  12.8

1:05 hour bike ride (12.28 miles)
Avg mph:  11.2
2 mile brick (20:59 minutes)

Run:

3.80 mile run (43:58 minutes)

I did the Monday Night Ladies Ride again this week & loved it! I was a little nervous because it was my first time riding the PW 11.2, but I did great! I climbed, I shifted AND I kept up with the group. It was a good ride. We rode the Boulevard first, then the 11.2 & finished with another lap around the Boulevard.

I always lose weight during taper weeks. I'm sure there's some science behind it, but I don't know what it is. Regardless, I lost a pound this week, bringing my total weight loss to... THIRTY POUNDS! Sooo thanks, body!

Music City Triathlon race recap coming soon.

MyFitnessFoe, Part 168

168! I've lost 30 pounds!!!

When I last checked in it was early June & I had hit 172. I can't believe I'm down to 168. Shit, in another 3 pounds, I won't be an Athena anymore. Y'all, that is NUTS.

About a year after I moved home from NYC, Mary Katherine, Jaime & I all started seeing a dietitian at St. Thomas named Blair Blair. We loved her so hard. I found my old Blair Blair notebook this morning. Here are my recorded weights:

Jan. 2004 -- 159 lbs
Feb. 2004 -- 157 lbs
July 2004 -- 155 lbs
Jan. 2005 -- 168 lbs

Oh hey, January 2005 weight. Nice to see you again after 9 long, fat years. This is the first time I've been under 170 since 2005. I did Weight Watchers back in 2007 & got down to 172, but that didn't last long. I've probably been over 180 ever since.

Here's a picture of Jaime, (our old friend Emily), Mary Katherine & me from 2004, the year of Blair Blair. This was a birthday party for me & Mary Katherine. Just a couple of smoking hot 28 year olds, NBD.

Half Ironman 70.3 Training: Week 10

Week 10. Halfway to 20. Holy crap! Here's what my training looked like this week:

Swim:

60 minute NAC Masters swim
45 minute open water swim (in a wetsuit)

Bike:

1:03 hour bike ride (14.86 miles)
Avg mph:  14.1
2 mile brick (22:29 minutes)

1:51 hour bike ride (24.70 miles)
Avg mph:  13.3

1:40 hour trainer ride
Avg mph:  15.8
Avg HR:  123 bpm
Max HR:  142 bpm

Run:

2.96 mile run (29:45 minutes)
5.15 mile run (1:00 hour)

The weather in Tennessee this week was nuts. We had unusually cool, fall-like mornings & evenings. Like most runners, I'm faster in cooler temps & this week reflects that. My weight also dropped down another notch this week. I'm hovering in between 168-169. The last time I was under 170 was 2005. So... that's insane.

I've been having trouble shifting on my bike, so I dropped it off at Red Kite for a tune-up. The housing for my cables was split & starting to rust, so they replaced all that. The 'ole girl shifts like a dream now. I was also missing an important bolt somewhere integral to me not dying while in motion, so they replaced that, too. And I got a light for my Monday Night Ladies Rides!

I talked to my masters swim coach this week about open water swims. I'm getting faster in the pool, but it's not translating to open water. My endurance is good, but I need to swim faster, so she's going to start giving me 200m drills in the pool to get me faster in open water.

I'm doing Music City Olympic next Sunday, so this will be a taper week. I don't know how to taper for an Olympic while still training for a 70.3, but I guess I'll figure it out? This should be fun.

My Fitness Foe, Part 172

When I last checked in it was March & I had hit 365 days on MyFitnessPal. An anniversary that I missed is the year anniversary of when I met with Mari-Etta Parrish, a board certified registered dietitian. You can read about that initial meeting here.

When I started this journey, I was at 198 lbs. By the time I saw Mari-Etta, I was down to 186. This week, I hit 172. I've lost 26 lbs!!! My end goal is 'fabulous by forty', which is two years away. Who knows where I'll end up, but losing 26 lbs in the first year feels amazing.

MY PLAN

I'm at 1,500 calories a day, & that's still regardless of how many calories I burn working out. That means on Tuesday, if I take a 60 minute bike class, I eat 1,500 calories, & on Wednesday, if I run for 30-45 minutes & swim for 60 minutes, I eat 1,500 calories. So for those of you following me on MyFitnessPal, this is why when I log an exercise, it says I only burn 1 calorie. I go in & manually manipulate the calories burned to 1 (it won't let me do 0).

By zeroing out my calories burned, I stay at 1,500 a day, every day. I do this because the traditional way MyFitnessPal works doesn't work for me. I was eating too much because I work-out so much, &, no surprise, I wasn't losing weight. In fact, I actually gained 9 lbs the first year I did triathlons because I was eating so much because MFP said I could.

This is what works for me, me being someone under the advisement of a registered dietitian & me being someone who's training for a half ironman.

What's clicked for me is getting the eating under control & getting my mind right. I've always worked out & even at my heaviest, I worked out more than most people. And I did hard work-outs. But I wasn't mindful about what I ate. I half-ass tracked my calories & I half-ass weighed myself, but I was real unhappy & the hard work-outs & the eating out all the time was some sick way of keeping myself unhappy. Deep down, I don't think I thought I deserved to be happy or healthy. I was obviously completely unaware of this at the time, but looking back, it's clear as day.

Real talk: I went into therapy earlier this year & that's playing a large part in all of this. I have an unhealthy tendency to endure terrible things to prove I'm strong & I'm starting to wonder if being heavy & working out at that size was me trying to prove my strength. Probably. There's a real comfort in that - in feeling strong because of an inability to break. I had no idea it's actually healthier for me to break. And y'all, I'm straight busted right now, but that's another post for another time.

Being well & healthy is something so many of us struggle with, & for me, it's both mind & body, which is new information for me. It's so trite, but I think you have to really want this, to get it & I didn't understand that I didn't want it as much as I thought I did. Go see a dietitian; talk to Mari-Etta. And shit, if you want to go down that road, I've got the name of a great therapist.

Until next time.

Breakfast: My Favorite Meal of the Day

Breakfast, I'm into it.  I'm also a morning person, so it's possible these two things are related.  I believe in two things:  1) eat breakfast & 2) either eat the same thing every morning or rotate through 2-3 set options.  I'm a rotator, mostly because my breakfast needs change depending on whether or not I work-out in the morning.  

I don't want to make this all about calories, but I know, like me, a lot of you track your food on MyFitnessPal.  My daily calorie goal is 1,500 & I use 200 - 300 of that on breakfast.

This is my standard breakfast.  It's good on cold mornings & it keeps me full on days when I forget a mid-morning snack or have a late lunch.  I use whatever berries are at the store that week.  In the winter months, I use jelly instead of fresh fruit.  In the summer, I'm likely to swap the oatmeal for Fage Greek Yogurt.

1 packet Trader Joe's Organic Oats & Flax Instant Oatmeal, 150 calories
1 tbsp Trader Joe's Organic Raw Walnut Halves & Pieces, 75 calories
Fresh strawberries, 9 calories
2 cups coffee (not pictured), 5 calories
Total calories:  239

I love waffles, but quit eating them until recently because I wanted to eat them slathered in butter & syrup.  Turns out, I like them just as much with peanut butter & jelly.  And I only need one waffle, not two.  The grapefruit is a new addition.  I'm into it.  For lower calorie days, I only eat half the grapefruit.

1 Van's Totally Natural Waffle, 75 calories
1 tbsp Skippy Natural Peanut Butter, 95 calories
1 tbsp jelly, 20 calories
1 whole Ruby Red grapefruit, 97 calories
2 cups coffee (not pictured), 5 calories
Total calories:  292

This is my favorite breakfast.  I only eat it once or twice a week & I save it for the mornings where I do a hard work-out.  You know, like a 3-mile run & a 90 minute swim.  Those days.  Do I need cheese AND avocado?  Nope.  Do I do it anyway?  Yep.

There are smarter, lower calorie ways to eat this:  no cheese (DUH); no cheese & only 1/4 avocado; or half a Laughing Cow wedge & 1/4 avocado, which you can mix together & spread on the tortilla (it's really good that way).

1 La Tortilla Factory - Soft Wraps Mini Fiesta, 50 calories
1 egg, 70 calories
1/8 cup, shredded cheese, 55 calories
1/2 avocado, 114 calories
2 cups coffee with splash of Silk Vanilla Almond Milk, 5 calories
Total calories:  294

COFFEE TAWK

Let's talk about coffee.  When I first starting using MyFitnessPal, I was using 40 calories a day on half and half.  I needed those 40 calories for other things, like cheese & avocado, so I switched to skim milk.  But the skim milk didn't really doing it for me.  I now use Silk Vanilla Almond Milk.  I don't count it in my calories because it's 90 calories per 1 cup serving & I only use a splash.

LINKS

Below are two articles I read online this week that spotlight the balance between self acceptance & weight loss.  They're not long & I highly recommend reading both.  The fist article includes this life-changing sentence, "Just refuse to think of life in "fat bad" and "skinny good".

Question, The Frenemy

My friend SKB pointed out this awesome quote from the second article, "People who do manage to keep significant weight off, tend to share common habits:  They weigh themselves regularly, limit variety in their diet, eat breakfast, and exercise roughly one hour every day".

Why Keeping Weight Off, Not Losing It, Is The Real Victory, Vogue

My Fitness Foe, Part 365

These posts are getting more & more sporadic.  My last one in October talked about breaking through a plateau.  Since then, I gained about 6 lbs of holiday weight, registered for Ironman 70.3 Augusta, lost the 6 lbs & hired a triathlon coach.  Oh, & I hit 365 days on MyFitnessPal, which is NUTS.

Honestly, I've (A) been too busy to blog & (B) not convinced this is still something worth talking about.  Then I ran into Mari-Etta, dietitian to the stars, & by stars, I mean me (& the Titans) (& the Predators).  Over this past year, I've sent about a million people to Mari-Etta.  She told me two things this weekend:  1) that everyone thinks what I'm doing is easy & 2) that I need to keep talking about it.

After running into Mari-Etta, I went back & re-read the post I wrote after meeting her for the first time last year.  I had forgotten how miserable I was & how mad I was that I had to work to lose weight.  I thought I was already doing everything right & that my inability to lose weight was punishment from the cosmos.  It's almost funny how indignant I was.

I have no idea how I've made this look easy, but I assure you that it's not.  Every weekend, I decide what I'm going to eat for the week, how many calories it is, when I'm eating out & how to adjust the rest of my day around that.  I eat out for lunch a lot, which means dinner on those nights needs to be low-calorie.  And I work-out.  A lot.  Right now, I'm working out 9-10 hours a week.  That will increase as I get closer to my race in September.

I also do some serious data entry.  I log everything I eat into MyFitnessPal.  I log my work-outs into MyFitnessPal, but also into training software for my coach, which includes uploading the data from my Garmin after every run.  AND...  let's not forget my fancy Erin Condren planner, which I'm using as a journal for my year of Half Iron training, in the event that I ever want to write a book.

Y'all, this shit is hard.  If it were as easy as running a few times a week & eating a salad for lunch, we'd all be Olsens.  I am 100% for self acceptance & you deciding what's happy & healthy for you.  I wasn't happy at 198 lbs, & I had long-term athletic goals that I couldn't achieve to my satisfaction at that size.  So I did something about it.  And here I am a year later, 20+ lbs lighter, about to turn 38 & training for a half Ironman, on a team no-less.

If you want this, you can have it.  Quit telling yourself that it's too hard, or that you don't have time.  Ain't none of us got time.  Go get it!  It's worth it.

Weekend Wrap Up: Superb Owl Edition

On Saturday morning, Heidi & I ran the 6-mile Musica out & back route.  I went from the run straight to the Downtown Y & got in a pool swim.  The post-run swim felt great.  And!  I weighed myself afterwards & I'm down another pound.  Only one more to go to get back to my smallest, pre-holiday weight.

On Saturday, Lana came over & we walked to Korea House for dinner.  I love Korea House so hard.  This is my new favorite thing to order, especially when it's cold, the kimchi chigae.  It's a spicy kimchi stew with pork & tofu.  Get it!

On Sunday morning, I braved the rain for early morning trips to Target & Publix.  I wanted to avoid the SuperBowl crowds.  I've been limiting my Target trips because I always leave with shit I shouldn't buy.  You know, like this basket.  But it was only $14.99!  When John saw it, he asked if it was a hot air balloon basket for Linda.

My friend Julie was having a SuperBowl chili cook-off that night, so I got my chili started.  I decided I wanted to make a buffalo chicken chili, so I searched the internet & landed on this recipe from my trusty stand-by, Closet Cooking (the food blog where I found my hot corn dip recipe).

Guess what?  My chili won!!!  That crockpot was licked clean.  It really was delicious.  For my prize, Julie gave me a ladle (that was originally going to be gold) & movie tickets.  Thanks, Hot Koh Koh!

Getting Back On Track

Earlier this week, I ran a one-mile time trial in 8 minutes & 57 seconds.  Y'all, I ran a mile in 8:57!  That is HUGE for me.  I typically run an 11-12 minute mile.  If I'm racing, a 10 minute mile.  Friends have been telling me for awhile now that I'm faster than that, & apparently I am.  Who knew?!

Let me back up & explain how I found myself at the Rose Park track at 6:00am on a Tuesday.  I put on about 6 pounds over the holidays & have had a hard time getting it off.  Mari-Etta gave me the sage advice of 'you didn't gain it overnight, you can't expect to lose it overnight; up your exercise'.  P.S. I've since lost 3 of the 6 pounds.

I was talking about this at Pancake on Friday when I realized that I have a friend in my arsenal who has not only lost weight, but successfully kept it off:  SKB.  So I went home & emailed her & we decided to meet over lunch on Monday.  At Husk!!!

First things first, Husk was AMAZING.  This was my first time there & I was not let down.  We shared the deviled eggs, the veggie plate & the cheeseburger.  Everything was delicious, but that cheeseburger will haunt my dreams until I'm able to go back & eat it again.

I digress.  Sarah is totally awesome & brought her 2013 & 2014 Erin Condren life planners & showed me her system for tracking food & exercise.  I used to love planners, but in the past few years I've quit buying them & rely solely on tracking everything electronically.  I thought about it & explored building a similar system in Evernote, but the planner is what makes the most sense to me.  So I bought one.  I'll report back.

During our fancy lady lunch, Sarah pushed me about my speed & said I need to start running faster.  Then she invited me to meet her the next morning for a one mile time trial.  The last time I did a time trail was a Fleet Feet Speed Session in 2010, which I hilariously chronicled here.  As you'll read, my time in 2010 was 11:32.

I was anxious & nervous when I met Sarah on Tuesday & required a lot of coaxing to actually run the one mile.  I was scared I'd run as fast as I could & still be a 10 minute mile.  And I REALLY wanted to be faster than that.  Sarah was great & ran the 1.5 mile warm-up with me.  She told me to start fast & run until I felt like I was going to throw up.  So that's what I did.  Sarah runs a sub-7 minute mile, so she dropped me real quick.  I turned up the Yeezus, put my head down & just ran.  During the entire 4 laps, my brain was telling me to quit, to slow down, that I couldn't maintain this, but I just kept running.  When I was on my last lap, I looked at my watch & saw I was around 8:45, so I sprinted the last half lap & made it with 3 seconds to spare:  8:57.  Sarah was waiting on me & gave me a big high five when I finished.  I couldn't talk & I really did feel like I was going to throw up, so we walked for a few minutes & then ran our cool down mile.

You guys, I'm so proud of myself for doing this.  I did something that I was terrified to do, I pushed myself WAY outside of my comfort zone &, mostly importantly, I didn't die.  I'm going to keep the track work-outs up.  I'd love to get my half marathon time down to 2 hours (I'm at 2:40 right now).  We'll see!

Thank you, SKB!