July 19, 2010

Genocide on Wilclay

Howdy internet- Mister Mule here. I have a terrible story to tell.

There is a problem in our front yard. The problem is bagworms. The bagworm, Thyridopteryx ephemeraeformis, is a miserable creature that builds cocoons out of "silk and fecal material" that look a little bit like pinecones. The bagworms slowly choke the trees that they make their homes in.
















The capital city of the bagworms, Three-Trees-By-Pizza-Hut, was located in our front yard. These trees are strategically important to the Baldwins as they are the only line of defense between us and the mailbox punchers that visit the bar in the strip mall next to our house.


















After ripping hundreds of bagworm sacs off the trees for the last several weeks, I noticed their numbers rising instead of falling, and decided to do something about it. I'd read on the internet that simply ripping them off wasn't enough- you had to burn the sacs to kill the larva inside. Afterwards, a poison sprayed on the tree would kill any remaining insects.



I began by pulling off as many bagworm sacs as I could find, leaving none behind. It's kinda ridiculous- they're spiny on the outside, but squishy on the inside. When I had a box full of the disgusting monsters, it was time to fill the box with gasoline and light it on fire.





Kim was a little worried at first, since the flames were higher than the house, but I wasn't worried- I've had years of experience.




Once the gasoline had burned out, you could see a few actual bagworms that had their cocoons incinerated.



The next step was to poison the remaining bagworms - there were still a quite a few I couldn't reach on upper branches. I used Bayer POWER FORCE Multi-Insect Killer.



Ignoring the instructions, I poured three times as much as necessary into my yard sprayer, and only used two-thirds as much water as I was supposed to, ensuring a Final Solution (get it?) for any remaining bagworms.

I sprayed it all over the trees until the branches were literally dripping and glistening with poison. The remaining bagworms really did squirm and recoil as I blasted them.

To quote Anakin Skywalker, "I killed them. I killed them all. They're dead, every single one of them. The women, and the children too."

Having wrapped up with the bagworms, I took care of the wasps on the front porch with Spectracide Bee and Hornet Killer. This stuff is great on individual bees that are currently attacking you, as it shoots out a 20-foot spray of foaming bee death. I sprayed it all over the wasp nests on the front porch, then demolished them with 2x4s.

Finally, it was time to deal with the mole. I really feel like I gave him fair warning- I've been stomping down his tunnels for weeks, telling him in mole language that this soil was mine, not his. He failed to heed the warning, and was killing all the grass besides, so it was time for him to go.

I used TOMCAT brand mole poison - selected for the sole reason that the box clearly depicts a clueless mole gleefully snacking on the fake nuclear poison worms.



The box has all sorts of hilarious skull-and-crossbones warnings, which become even more hilarious when you try to open up the box. The child-safe packaging ensures maximum skin-on-worm contact just trying to get the awful things out of the box.

You're supposed to make a tiny hole in the top of a mole tunnel, drop in the worm, and then seal it all up so the mole is none the wiser. I guess the idea is that the mole will just happen upon the poison worm as he makes his mole rounds down his tunnels, and eat the obviously fake worm for no reason. Which is basically the equivalent of putting a poisoned hamburger in the hallway next to the bathroom, and hoping someone is stupid enough to eat it. After careful consideration, I believe that I would probably eat a hamburger left in my hallway without question.

I really had to laugh at myself when I realized that I washed my hands a hundred times, to make absolutely sure I had cleaned all the poison off, before lighting a cigarette. Wouldn't want to ingest any carcinogens, or put poison directly in my mouth!

Living things take heed - stay off my lawn.

8 comments:

Mom said...

Once an Eagle Scout, always an Eagle Scout, but you seem to be one on steroids!! LOL So glad I don't live near you... Actually you made me literally laugh out loud!!

The Blonde Mule said...

Seriously, who knew there were two comedians in the family, haha.

ChrissiTinaBallerina said...

You guys need your own show. Seriously. How have you not been discovered?!

April P. said...

this. was. awesome.

anakin skywalker quote... perfection!

RP said...

I wish all your posts were about killing things.

Bairvis said...

Totally hilarious, John. Please let me know next time you're gonna burn some more shit. I need to get rid of my old nitro methane gas.

Cabbage Babble said...

Love this!

chester copperpot said...

"Ignoring the instructions, I poured three times as much as necessary into my yard sprayer, and only used two-thirds as much water as I was supposed to, ensuring a Final Solution (get it?) for any remaining bagworms."
And we just thought you were cutting the lawn out there...

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