July 15, 2008

The People In MY Neighborhood

The craziest thing just happened to me. I'm really sore from Bikini Boot Camp, so I went for a walk to stretch out my legs. I was right in front of the alley that goes to my house when this lady flagged me down. She looked legit -blazer, button front shirt, etc, so I stopped to see what she needed. What she "needed" was for me to buy a $60 magazine subscription to send to "the troops". Here's the play-by-play:

Crazy: Excuse me.
Me: Yes...
Crazy: Do you support single mothers?
Me: Sure.
Crazy: Do you support recovering drug addicts re-entering the workplace?
Me: Yes.
Crazy: High five.
Me: Gave her five (the 1st of many in this short conversation).
Crazy: Well, I'm a single mother, a recovering drug addict & 3 weeks ago, I was homeless. I'm in this program that is teaching me how to have a firm handshake, how to look people in the eye & how to dress professionally. How am I doing?
Me: You're doing very well.
Crazy: High five.
Me: Gave her five. Again.
Crazy: I'm collecting signatures from people in your neighborhood who believe in me & want to help me succeed (produces previously unnoticed spreadsheet & thrusts it into my face).
Me: Now what am I signing here?
Crazy: Do you support the troops?
Me: **hesitantly** Yes...
Crazy: I'm selling magazine subscriptions to send to the troops.
Me: And how much is this going to cost me?
Crazy: $60 for 2 subscriptions.
Me: Well, I certainly applaud your effort, but I can't sign that. Best of luck.
Crazy: Wait, wait. I thought you said you support the troops.
Me: **getting irritated** I do support the troops, but I'm not giving you $60 for magazine subscriptions.
Crazy: Well, can you just give me money? I can follow you home so you can get a check.
Me: No, I'm not going to do that. Again, I applaud you for turning your life around & best of luck.
Crazy: **falls onto ground, clutching stomach** Oh man, the pain. My stomach is killing me. You got any pain pills?

I shit you not. This happened RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY HOUSE like 15 minutes ago. WTF?


Mom said...

Did you mother not teach you to NEVER TALK TO STRANGERS!! I rest my case.

chester copperpot said...

ha. your mom is funny.

Emotional Mullet said...

I am no mathmagician, but you gave her at least 2 high-fives in this conversation, so, *click, click click of the adding machine*, that is 10 pretend dollars. Your job is done.

And, also, next time this happens, be sure to match her move by throwing yourself on the ground and screaming for pain pills too.

muggins mouse said...

holy hell batman!!

oh, btw - I have been looking for this "pirate ship" you mentioned in a previous blog for a week now! I want to know where this thing is!! ha!

the orange bicycle said...

kim---i paid that lady to do that (in magazine subscriptions) because i was so pissed you didn't move to the east side.
if that didn't work, then please let me know when your next walk is...

theblondemule said...

MM, you can find Old Iron Sides behind the house on the corner of Belmont Blvd & Cedar. Coming from Belmont University, it's on the right before you get to Christ the King. It's in the back & it's partially covered by a big, blue tarp. You can't miss it.

carolyn said...

WTF is right! And people hate on East Nashville for crazies? I've only been approached by kids who say their mom "is a drug addict and could i spare some money so they could get some McDonald's?"...nothing like this! haha


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