Christmas In Maryland - The Deleted Scenes

The Jews Have Everything

John's Nana lives alone in Albuquerque watching Fox and Friends & presumably saving up a year's worth of opinions & zingers until Christmas when she has a live audience. This year did not disappoint. John's dad provides a really nice Christmas. I got all this expensive Under Armour running gear & John & Sally both got winter coats & envelopes full of cash. Regardless, when we finished opening our presents & thanking everyone for our gifts, Nana, who had been sitting silently up to this point, said, "We have nothing because the Jews have everything." And scene.

First, You Take the Chicken

John's Great-Aunt Virginia Lee (Aunt Ginny) hosts Christmas dinner at her house every year. This year, after dinner, there was a knock on the back door & in walks Julia Child. Well, actually it was Aunt Ginny's neighbor & his partner, but he was dressed as Julia Child & had a box of props. Props! Julia proceeded to the front of the room while his partner stayed in the back filming the entire thing. Julia went through this hilarious skit involving bags of dough pulled out of his bra & a rubber chicken. It was hilarious. About halfway through the skit, Ross, Aunt Ginny's son, who is also gay, kicked me under the table & nodded towards Nana. Nana could not have looked more repulsed. I'm sure Julia was Nana's first drag experience & she was nonplussed, to say the least. Sally captured the look on Nana's face with her iPhone. Sadly, I don't have the picture, but trust me, it's priceless.

Are You Looking For A Job

Nana is very concerned about me not having a job. A couple of times over the past week, someone would congratulate me on getting my MPA & Nana would say, "Well, I just hope it gets her a job." Her heart was in the right place, I think, it just stung a little every time she did it. Also, every morning as I was drinking my coffee, I'd open my Macbook & cruise the interwebs, like you do, & Nana would ask me, again, EVERY MORNING, "Are you online looking for a job?"

Return That Coat, Man

For years John has worn this vintage coat that he loves. Yes, it's stained & yes, the buttons keep falling off, but he loves it. This coat is a major source of contention between John & his dad. Last year, John's dad gave him money & told him to buy a new coat, which, of course, John did not do. So this year, John's dad took it a step further & bought John a coat. It was a really nice wool peacoat from Land's End that didn't come cheap. Alas, he bought the wrong color & size. While John & I were at the mall, we noticed Sears carried Land's End, so we walked in & sure enough, there was the coat in the color & size John needed. We call his dad & he tells us to buy it, he'll return the other one & reimburse us. John wears the coat for a few days, we return the other one, but John's dad refuses to reimburse us. So not only did John buy his own Christmas present, he bought himself a present he didn't even want in the first place.