We're Homeowners!

We closed on the house today & got the keys, all 100 of them (seriously). We're homeowners! We're going to start moving in tomorrow & finish up on Saturday. I can't believe we bought a house! I own a house!

We're Closing Tomorrow, Bitches!

I just got the call from our mortgage guy, we're officially through underwriting & close tomorrow at 4:00pm. Yay!!! I don't have to live on the streets! Seriously, if anyone needs a mortgage broker/lender, let me know because this guy we're working with started on Saturday & we're closing tomorrow. And he's local. And he's nice. And he's not a con-artist. Oh, and Nama, his favorite show is Good Eats.

So we're going to start moving in on Friday -just the small stuff that will fit in our cars. Then on Saturday, we'll rent a truck & move all of our furniture. We bought a house, bitches!

Update

Okay, things are looking substantially better today than they did on Friday. We met with a lender on Saturday who blew the other 2 lenders we were working with out of the water. He's awesome. He has the kind of underwriter we need on staff & can push this through in a matter of days. Everyone else needed 1-2 weeks. Right now, we're tentatively scheduled to close this Thursday & move in Friday/Saturday. **Fingers crossed**

Homeless

Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life. John & I were scheduled to close on our new house yesterday at 8:30am. At about 8:45am, we got a call from our mortgage lender telling us that they couldn't give us the loan. So not only were we unable to close on our house, but the people we were buying the house from were unable to close on their new house. Furthermore, they had already started moving in, so the realtor had to call them & tell them to stop moving & to go back home. Yeah. Definitely not my proudest moment.

Long story short, from 8:00am-6:0pm, we were sitting in either the realtor's office, a new mortgage lender/broker's office, or at the bank. The good news is, it looks like we're getting approved from multiple lenders for a new home loan. The bad news is, I have to be out of my apartment by next Saturday & as of now, I have nowhere to live. The realtor & all of the various lenders are busting their respective asses trying to get this closing done before next Friday, so we'll see. We're also entertaining the idea of signing some kind of "move in agreement" that allows us to move in before we close.

We're meeting with another lender today, so this process is on-going. Right now, we've got 2 different lenders telling us that we're approved. I assume this guy today will tell us the same thing. If that happens, we'll go with the best deal & whomever can close the fastest. We're supposed to know on Monday or Tuesday if we can sign this move in agreement & move on in.

Thanks to everyone that was slated to help us move today. I hope you find some other pleasurable way to enjoy your day, maybe something with less heavy lifting. Most importantly, thanks to my mom who talked me off the ledge no less than 100 times yesterday.

In conclusion, here are some things this first-time home buyer has learned:

• Do not use Lending Tree
• Hire your own realtor
• Always go with a local mortgage lender/broker
• Only use lenders with in-house underwriters (who knew?)
• When the shit hits the fan & you're seconds away from a full-on physical assault, step back, count to 10 & let your more level-headed fiance handle it.

The Omnivore's Dilemma

I'm reading The Omnivore's Dilemma: A Natural History of Four Meals by Michael Pollan. My friend Tiffany told me about it a long time ago & I'm just now getting around to reading it. It's a 400+ page book & I'm only on page 64, but it's really interesting so far. It's just a slow read. Has anyone else read it? I also want to read the follow-up book, In Defense of Food: An Eater's Manifesto.

Here's the blurb from the back of Omnivore's Dilemma:

Today, buffeted by one food fad after another, America is suffering from what can only be described as a national eating disorder. Will it be fast food tonight, or something organic? Or perhaps something we grew ourselves? The question of what to have for dinner has confronted us since man discovered fire. But as Michael Pollan explains in this revolutionary book, how we answer it now, at the dawn of the twenty-first century, may determine our survival as a species. Packed with profound surprises, The Omnivore's Dilemma is changing the way Americans think about the politics, perils, and pleasures of eating.

So yeah, it's heavy, but it's interesting. I hope it doesn't have the same effect Fast Food Nation did -where I'm scared to eat everything. Oh well, there are worse things than worrying about what you're eating I suppose...

Bikini Boot Camp, Part Deux

If I can direct your attention up top, you'll notice I have a tagline. I've been trying to come up with one since I started this whole blog thing. Every time a rap song comes up on my iPod (which is pretty frequently) I hear some hilarious lyric that I think would make a good tagline, but it always loses its luster by the time I'm back at the computer. Some near misses:

Single White Female Addicted to Retail
Too Hot to Handle; Too Cold to Hold
Smack It Up; Flip It; Rub It Down

Well, now I can't think of them all, but trust me, they were all equally bad. I'm pretty happy with "Born stubborn. Dyed blonde." The only thing is, I am actually blonde, not that anyone cares. Whatever, it flows.

So today was my 2nd Bikini Boot Camp class. Yeah, for those keeping score, today is also slated to be the hottest day of the year. And no, it wasn't any better at 6 o'clock this morning. It was hot as balls & I easily sweated off 7-10 lbs, which I quickly regained by eating a 5 lb burrito from Baja Fresh for lunch. Whatever. I earned that burrito.

Well, the good news is, I didn't feel like throwing up in today's class, but it did take a good 2 hours for my beet-red face to go back to it's natural color. You should have seen me when I got home. I looked like I had been to an actual boot camp. I was soaking wet & covered in dirt. We had to do these horrible "jump on picnic table" things that almost killed me. Apparently, in trying to do these I somehow stepped on myself because I had a complete footprint of my right foot on my left calf. I have no idea how I managed that. I'm going to Google the instructor because I'm starting to think she has military training of some sort. She didn't learn this stuff from Jane Fonda, that's for sure. This bitch is militant.

In other news, John & I saw The Dark Knight on Saturday. It was soooo good. Heath Ledger (RIP) did an outstanding job as the Joker. Sadly, it was definitely the best acting he ever did. What a loss. I thought Christian Bale was a little too thin, but he still does the best Batman to date. I love Aaron Eckhart & he didn't disappoint. Maggie Gyllenhaal did a great job, too. It was just a really, really good movie. Definitely recommend seeing it in the theatre, IMAX if you can.

Day 5

I made it! I attended all 3 of my scheduled 6am work-outs this week & did cardio on my own every day after work. I rule! I've also gained 3 lbs, but I've heard you always gain the 1st week of an intense work-out routine. Something about your body retaining water... I don't know, but it sounds good to me. The only downside is that my walk has morphed into something that can only be characterized as Frankensteinesque. I'm only a few bolts in my head away from frightening children....

I've been back on the wedding planning bandwagon again this week. I've been editing our registries now that I know where the stuff is going. I've mostly been changing the colors of things like dishtowels, oven mitts, etc. The one thing I can't decide (and have changed the color of 3 times now) is the Kitchenaide Standup Mixer that we registered for. As you know, it's available in like 1,000,000 colors. I started with "Metallic Chrome", then changed to "White", then changed to "Green Apple", then changed to "Red" & now I'm contemplating "Pistachio". I can't be stopped. And the funny things is, I don't even know what this thing does. All I know is that it's an integral part of a kitchen & I need the color to accurately represent who we are as a couple. White? Boring. Metallic Chrome? Too easy. Green Apple? Maybe. Red? Too flashy. I'm really putting way too much thought into this. John & I couch-shopped over the weekend & within a matter of minutes I found our couch out of a showroom of thousands, but the color of a Kitchenaide Mixer sends me into a tailspin. What's wrong with me?

So tonight John & I are going to The Basement to see How I Became the Bomb. I encourage everyone to come out. If you haven't seem them before, they put on a really good show. Tomorrow my mom & I are driving to Columbia to meet with the lady who is going to do the flowers for my wedding. No concrete plans for tomorrow night, but I really want to see The Dark Knight at some point this weekend. I also need to get started on packing up my apartment. We move next weekend! So crazy!

Enjoy your weekends!

You Are So Nashville If

My top ten, in no particular order:

1) Instead of coming out to your parents, you just move to East Nashville & assume they will figure it out. -George Oeser

2) You accepted Jesus Christ as your personal lord & savior while watching a Carnival Kia commercial. -Jason & Heath Hinson

3) You complain about the dwindling amount of live music venues but can't wait for the new Urban Outfitters. -Andrew Cole

4) You think you're entitled to be on the guest list for every show in town. -Meghann Langford

5) You thought those Vanity Fair photos of Miley Cyrus were hot. -Jocelyn Phillips

6) You're not sure what Toby Keith's last name is. -Daniel Dunn

7) You've attended Steeplechase for the past 4 years & recently discovered it is a horse race. -Erin Burcham

8) You think Bart Durham is your congressman. -Asia Mathis

9) You see your local politicians on The Colbert Report more than you do on CNN or Fox News. -Stephanie Simmons

10) You spend $3 on a single cupcake while complaining about gas prices. -Wando Weaver

My Mercedes Is Not For Sale

This is what I awoke to this morning:

from: John
1:33 am (7 hours ago)

to: Kim, Jon, Denis, Rollum, Phantomhip, Joe, Matt, Adam, Andrew, Shelley, Kevin

date: Jul 16, 2008 1:33 AM

subject: My Mercedes is not for sale

http://www.mijnmercedes.nl/paginas_en.php?subcat_id=4

Remember my urban legend that you can buy a brand new Ford F-150, drive it to Alaska, and sell it at a profit, even though you just drove the hell out of it to Alaska?

Well, this is kinda like that, but way more dangerous. West Africans want cars so badly, that you can buy a beat-up car in Amsterdam and drive it all the way to Burkina Faso, and make money doing it!

For the map-impaired, here's your itinerary:
Holland
Legoland
Germany
Czechslovakia
Hungary
Romania
Bulgaria
(cross the Bosporus at Istanbul)
Turkey
Syria
Israel
Egypt
(drive across the Sahara Desert - I originally thought this meant drive a highway across the desert. It apparently means drive across the f*%^ing desert)
Libya
Algeria
Mali

Arrive at some hilarious tragic coastal country, get a carwash, and sell your hell car at a huge markup. Your hell car you just drove across the damn Sahara Desert.

Beware (in order of appearance):
Genocide
Dracula
Gypsies
Allah
Genocide
Scorpions
Cobras
Genocide
Sphinx
Juzam Djinn
Sarlaac Pit
Genocide
Al-Qaeda
Humphrey Bogart
Tigers
Genocide

I just dug out my passport, so I'm ready to go basically whenever. Pack a swimsuit and a turban. Life takes Visa. I also heard you can buy a cruise ship in Sierra Leone and sell it in Nicaragua for a huge markup, so we're all set for the return trip.

John


Yes, I'm marrying this man in a few months. Hopefully this is not what he has in mind for our honeymoon. I was really hoping for something with a little more beach time and a little less genocide....

The People In MY Neighborhood

The craziest thing just happened to me. I'm really sore from Bikini Boot Camp, so I went for a walk to stretch out my legs. I was right in front of the alley that goes to my house when this lady flagged me down. She looked legit -blazer, button front shirt, etc, so I stopped to see what she needed. What she "needed" was for me to buy a $60 magazine subscription to send to "the troops". Here's the play-by-play:

Crazy: Excuse me.
Me: Yes...
Crazy: Do you support single mothers?
Me: Sure.
Crazy: Do you support recovering drug addicts re-entering the workplace?
Me: Yes.
Crazy: High five.
Me: Gave her five (the 1st of many in this short conversation).
Crazy: Well, I'm a single mother, a recovering drug addict & 3 weeks ago, I was homeless. I'm in this program that is teaching me how to have a firm handshake, how to look people in the eye & how to dress professionally. How am I doing?
Me: You're doing very well.
Crazy: High five.
Me: Gave her five. Again.
Crazy: I'm collecting signatures from people in your neighborhood who believe in me & want to help me succeed (produces previously unnoticed spreadsheet & thrusts it into my face).
Me: Now what am I signing here?
Crazy: Do you support the troops?
Me: **hesitantly** Yes...
Crazy: I'm selling magazine subscriptions to send to the troops.
Me: And how much is this going to cost me?
Crazy: $60 for 2 subscriptions.
Me: Well, I certainly applaud your effort, but I can't sign that. Best of luck.
Crazy: Wait, wait. I thought you said you support the troops.
Me: **getting irritated** I do support the troops, but I'm not giving you $60 for magazine subscriptions.
Crazy: Well, can you just give me money? I can follow you home so you can get a check.
Me: No, I'm not going to do that. Again, I applaud you for turning your life around & best of luck.
Crazy: **falls onto ground, clutching stomach** Oh man, the pain. My stomach is killing me. You got any pain pills?

I shit you not. This happened RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY HOUSE like 15 minutes ago. WTF?

Bikini Boot Camp

My friend MK and I started a 6-week fitness plan. Today was Day 1. Day 1 included a 6:00am Bikini Boot Camp class that was so hard I almost threw up. I've always wondered while watching shows like Biggest Loser & Work-Out why the people on the shows are always puking during their workouts. Well, today I figured it out. Bikini Boot Camp.

Our "warm up" was 5 laps around the tennis courts, followed by a set of squats & a set of push-ups. Then 3 more laps around the courts, followed by more squats & more push-ups. Then, you guessed it, 1 more lap around the courts, more squats, more push-ups. Then, here's the best part, a set of burpees. This is when I got dizzy & almost threw up. This was also still the beginning of the class. I had 45 more minutes to go. It was a rough 1st class, but I was so proud of myself for doing it. I drove home feeling like a gladiator, until I got in the shower & almost tipped over trying to shave my legs because they were shaking so much. Whatever. No pain, no gain.

Bikini Boot Camp is a 6-week class. It's offered twice a week, but we're only going to take it on Mondays. We're going to supplement it by taking Body Sculpt at the Y on Wed & Fri mornings. Then we'll do cardio on our own, or rather, as our aching, exhausted muscles allow (at least in my case). At the end of our 6 weeks, we're going to evaluate our progress & either keep going on our own, or potentially hire a trainer. The Y offers 1 on 2 training, so it's not a bad deal. Also, the Bikini Boot Camp instructor offers a Bridal Boot Camp, which we may also take once this class is over. We'll just see how it goes between now & then. Knowing my luck, I'll sustain some kind of ridiculous injury usually reserved for senior citizens & end up spending the next 3 months in physical therapy.....

The Rock-afire Explosion

For anyone who saw The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters, this should be right up your alley:




John found this on his favorite website, Boing Boing. He showed it to me the other night & I had to share it. I grew up in Oklahoma where there was only Showbiz, no Chuck E. Cheese. So I definitely have fond memories of these big, robotic entertainers. My sister & I used to fight over who got to be Mitzi, the mouse cheerleader. We were also a little scared of Fatz because of his red eyes.

So this crazy guy in Alabama apparently bought The Rock-afire Explosion & sometimes programs them to sing/perform pop songs. We're thinking about hiring them for our wedding. Here they are performing Usher's "Love in This Club".

I **heart** you, Twitchington!

Okay, first of all, I weighed myself this morning & magically weighed 3 lbs less than yesterday, so I'm not as fat as I thought. Because you know, those 3 lbs make all the difference. Anyway, I still need to get in better shape, but I do feel a little bit better about it all today...

While driving to work this morning, I saw a pretty funny bumper sticker on the back of white work van. It said:

Get Your Shift Together
The Transmission Shop

It made me laugh. Also on the way to work this morning, I set my iPod to "Recently Added" & laughed a little bit at myself for the ridiculous myriad of songs I've downloaded recently. A sampling:

"Go On, Say It" by Blind Pilot
-- This song is this week's free download on iTunes. It's not bad, very Deathcab for Cutie-esque. I think iTunes compared them to Deathcab & The Shins. It's not bad. It's free. Whatever.

"Pounding" by Doves
-- I'm kind of really into the Doves. They fall into the ever-growing category of music I never would have heard if I hadn't met John. I don't know anything about them. British? American? I have no idea. I heard "Pounding" on KEXP & low & behold, John had the CD, so I put it in my iTunes. It's an incredible song.

"Mercy" by Duffy
-- I have no idea why I bought this song. I saw her on Conan & thought she was cute. Disclaimer: I don't listen to the radio, so songs that most of you are sick of, I haven't heard.

"Freedom" by George Michael
-- I've always loved this song (and video). I heard it somewhere recently & added it to my list of songs to download. I love it. All 6 minutes & 30 seconds of it.

"Wrestlers (Sticky Dirty Pop Mix)" by Hot Chip
-- Heard this one on my new favorite show, So You Think You Can Dance. I think "Twitchington" danced to it last week. Not sure, but it's a really cool song. I like Hot Chip.

"Cobrastyle" by Robyn
-- This song is also from So You Think You Can Dance. I downloaded it expecting John to make fun of me, but apparently he's got a soft spot in his cold, nothing-produced-after-1960 heart & actually likes Robyn. Who knew? Anyway, the song is in my "Work It Out" playlist that I made for the rare occasion that I actually do work-out.

"Dreaming With a Broken Heart" by John Mayer
-- Okay, first of all, shutup. I know by posting this I'm losing serious street cred, but I don't care. This song is hot. Previously mentioned dancing duo, Twitchington, did an incredible contemporary dance routine choreographed by Mia Michaels to this song last week. I couldn't get the song out of my head, so I bought it. Get over it. I've taken the liberty to attach the YouTube clip of said dance routine. Watch it. Cry. Buy the song like I did.

I should have prefaced this list with a disclaimer... I've been watching the shit out of So You Think You Can Dance. It's my new favorite show. No one outside of my family watches it, so I'm catching a little flack from my friends, but I don't care. It's the best show on TV right now & I love it. You bitches watch, it'll be all the rage next summer. I'm just ahead of the trend.

P.S. For anyone who doesn't believe (like I do) that I'm psychic, "Pounding" just came on KEXP.

And now, Twitchington. Enjoy, bitches.

Fat Thursday

I'm so mad at myself. I've gained back almost 10 of the 20 pounds I lost last year. I knew this would happen. Towards the end of Session I really packed it on, thinking I'd get it off once Session ended. What I didn't count on was a 4 week class that was more stressful & time-consuming than Session was. I've got approximately 100 days until the wedding. 100 days is plenty of time to get this weight off & possibly a little more. I lost 20 pounds in 90 days last year, so it can be done. I just need to get off my ass & quit eating like it's a competition.

My new horrendous 4 week class meets on Mondays, so there's really no excuse not to be working out. I'm toying with the idea of hiring a personal trainer. I had one once for 12 weeks & I not only didn't miss a work-out, I also left the program looking like a fitness model. Granted, I was in my mid-twenties & my metabolism hadn't turned against me yet, but still, I did it. The thing about a personal trainer is that it holds me accountable. I don't necessarily need someone telling me how to lose weight, I just need someone that I can't back out on.

There's a "body sculpt" class @ the Green Hills Y every Tues & Thurs that I really like. If I can drag myself to that class twice a week, that would really help. I can do it. I just need to quit eating out so much & start working out. I can do it. I will do it. I refuse to be mad at myself on my wedding day for not getting in shape & feeling fat on the one day of my life I need to not feel fat.

Allright, I'm going to do this. I'm going to get back down to my pre-Session weight. Chinatown, Cinco de Mayo, Sitar lunch buffet: consider yourself warned.

Moving On Up. To the West Side.

I forget how much is involved in moving. The apartment (garage) I'm in now, I've been in for 2 years & I don't pay any utilities. I just pay 1 big lump sum to my landlords every month & they take care of everything. Because of this, I had to really sit down & think about every service I'll need to call & have set up for the new house, i.e. electricity, water, cable, internet, phone, security.... What sucks is, because it's been so long since I've had utilities in my name, I can't get around the stupid deposits to all of these places. Oh well.

So we take possession of our new house on Friday, July 25th, a mere 2 weeks from this Friday. I can't believe we're moving in 2 weeks. It's so surreal. The weekend after we move in, John's dad is flying him to Maryland so they can load up a moving truck full of goodies to drive to our new house. So far we're getting a washer/dryer, dining room table & chairs, lawn mower & weed-eater. Not bad. Thanks to John's dad, the only big purchase we'll really need to make is a couch.

I can't wait to drive down to Ikea & buy stuff for an actual house, not a shitty Brooklyn apartment or an even shittier Nashville apartment/converted garage. Oh, and West Elm and Crate & Barrel. It's going to be a shopping extravaganza!

Christmas in July

Last Christmas John & I went to Oklahoma & stayed with my grandparents for a couple of days. In less than 72 hours, John transformed right before my eyes. He's always had a penchant for plaid snap shirts & polyester pants, but Oklahoma changed him. Oklahoma made him a cowboy, if only for a few days.

On our last night there, my grandparents took us to eat at Cattlemen's Steakhouse in the Stockyards. Home to Oklahoma's finest steak, and a shit-ton of western wear stores. John's head almost exploded. Livestock, steak & western wear all on the same block? Yessiree, Bob. Over dinner & a $100 worth of Wrangler shirts later, my grandfather was telling John about his collection of vintage bolo ties. John's eyes lit up like a Christmas tree. Well, simultaneously, and to John's dismay, my eyes darkened & I quickly vetoed the bolo tie idea. Six plus months later & John still hasn't forgiven me for destroying his life long dream of owning bolo ties.

My grandparents came into town this week. Unbeknownst to John, I got in touch with them before they left & asked them to bring said bolo ties, so I could finally get some peace. They brought them & gave them to John yesterday. God bless him, he wore one all day, even when we went to this hipster East Nashville party to watch the fireworks. Guys in skinny jeans, tight tees & vests & John in his bolo tie. This is why I love him.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/16828091@N04/sets/72157605986277044/

Happy 4th!

I just woke up & it's raining. Not a good sign. Our tentative plan for today is to hit the Hot Chicken Festival at noon, then head to my parents' house for a cook-out, then maybe Bret & Corey's party later. I hope the weather doesn't ruin the day/night.

So a month or so ago this huge old ship appeared on Belmont Blvd. It was parallel parked like it wasn't a pirate ship, but a midsized compact car. It remained parked there for awhile. I affectionately referred to it as "Old Iron Sides". I was so sad the day I drove by & it was gone. Well, yesterday I was walking around the neighborhood & found Old Iron Sides. It's not gone afterall. They just moved it to the alley, ha ha. I was so excited, I went straight home & texted John the good news. He came home later for dinner & we drove by to see it. I may drive by later & try to take a picture. It really is the oddest thing I've ever seen -the big boat parked in an alley off of Belmont Blvd. To be continued....

Happy 4th! Stay dry! Eat hot chicken!

Sayonara Statistics!

The most amazing thing happened in Statistics last night. Last night was our last class & our teacher was supposed to give us our final to take home & turn in on Thursday. Well, for whatever reason, he decided to not make us take the final. He said no one in the class could raise their grade by taking it, so why bother. I made a B in the class!!! I'm done!!! I survived!!! Whoo-hoo!!! If you see me this weekend, pat me on the back, this class was quite possibly the hardest thing I've ever had to do. And I made it through with a B, bitches! Yeah!

In other, less amazing, news I watched Lars and the Real Girl last night. I LOVED it. I've never really liked Ryan Gosling, but I like him now. He did such a good job. It was a really weird, good movie. Definitely recommend it. I think I've got Charlie Wilson's War coming to me next. I meant to see it in the theater, but never got around to it. I've always had a thing for Philip Seymour Hoffman. I don't know why, I just do. I loved his character in Magnolia. So good!

My friend Panda Parables sent me the link to this hilarious website called passive-aggressive notes. You'll especially like it if you've ever had a roommate or worked in a record store. Enjoy!

White Chicks & Gang Signs

Tonight is my last Statistics class. Hooray! He's giving us our final tonight to turn in on Thursday & then we're done. Unfortunately, my next class, Information Technology, starts on Monday. Yeah, no rest for the wicked. This new class goes until August 8th. I have no idea what this class is, aside from the fact that it obviously has something to do with computers. Please God, let it be easier than Statistics.

In the fog of last week I failed to mention that John & I bought our house. We close on July 25th. I AM SO EXCITED! In related news, my apartment is available if anyone wants to live in an overpriced garage within walking distance of Belmont & Bongo Java. Free cable & internet...

In closing, I 'd like to share another installment of "What's Making Me Laugh Today", courtesy of Mary Katherine: